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  • Kanika Bhatia

Act 1, Part 2, Take 55.

3rd, 5th, 8th and 10th standard. Four times in a span of 12 years of schooling is when I liked a handwriting of a fellow student and tried to adapt it. Most of us don’t even remember details like these. I remember because I have always yearned to know who am I as an individual. Sometimes, it could be narrowed down to something as small as how I frame alphabets on paper. I even remember the names of my friends I tried to copy the handwritings of. For an individual with enough attention from everyone around, I have struggled to figure what my individuality stands for as a kid.

Why am I telling you this today? Because the whole race to having it together is turning me off. Not the one to share every message I get in my DMs, but some strike home. I have innumerable messages telling me how they look upto my life because they think I have it together, because I say what I think, and because multiple gigs makes life nothing less than exciting. I am not here to tell you, how since failures aren’t a part of our Instagram stories, you don’t have to believe what you see. To narrow it down for you, I am tired of seeing everyone reaching out for having it sorted, for life to be the picture perfect combination story of someone’s social life, and someone else’s travel itinerary.

I am closing on another decade of my life. Sue me for being reflective. But here’s the point, I have made peace with the fact, that I will never have it all sorted. “It will all work out” is centuries of adult advice wrapped up in 5 words. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But it’s not your job to worry about it. And in the process, you don’t have to put across an act that it will. You don’t have to push yourself to dinner scenes because the world expects you to. You don’t have to know the who’s who, you don’t have to attend all the gigs in all parts of the city, know every happening event across seas, figure your political and social standing. You don’t have to have it all figured out.

There were times growing up, and more so in recent adult life when I believed there is a better life out there for me. It’s running parallel for now, and I will get to live it someday. The ideal scenario had my career graph as a rising trend line in one industry, my personal life a dreamy batter of family and love (nausea), my intellect a sharp razor like cutting medium, and eventually moving towards a biopic somewhere. Currently, my career is behaving as erratic as the London weather, personal life is a continuous balance between love life and family expectations, and let’s face it, I am leaning way too much into Indian politics- no one would call that exactly bright minded.

You grow every 5 years, and I think I love the me today more than the 25 year old me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still bright eyed, optimistic to an unreal level but I am much more okay with failures. I am capable of looking at my life from a third eye, and I don’t feel the need to have my shit together anymore.


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